Hanna’s Favourite Weblog

I’m a prism. I refract light across the entire spectrum — changing and mysterious colors.
I can’t hardly wait, I’m patient.
I’m a kewpie (that adorable naked baby) turned Bulldog.

I’m a psychologist who thinks Freud was full of crap.
I scream and cry when I’m angry
I’m terrified I won’t remember but fearful I can’t forget
I don’t wannu, but I hafta

I’m lost in my organization.
I’m neither a patriot nor a terrorist.

I’m a mainstream emo.
I love fatigues but loath the military
I’m an independent woman who’s incredibly needy.
I’m cynical but still cling to my idealism.

My brother calls me the smartest person he knows without a brain.
I’m driven but too lazy to start.
I’m confident about myself but scared of everything.
Resting near my computer is a drumstick and a teddy bear.

I’m black; I’m pink.
I’m accused of being too serious – where is your smile – and teased for being such a goofball.
I’m defensive but its secretly easy to push me over.

I’m creative but conform to society’s demands.
I’m an aspiring civil liberties lawyer but a deep critic of the legal system.
I’ve been from trailer trash to Victoria Estates.

I’m an introverted conversationalist.
I’m Arwen, daughter of Elrond, and the Orc Commander; I will exert to wound you.
I’m a modern Victorian.

I’m Yossarian, I’m Anne Shirley.
I’m a thornless rose tangled along a short dagger.
I don’t want any children; I want ten.
I’m a spiritual agnostic.

I’m mature, I’m a child.
I’m a debater, I’m a dork (Okay, those aren’t contradictions)
I’m only one person, I’m influential.
My writing is sensual and emotional, I’m highly rational.

I’m the drill press in your ribcage, I’m cuddling on the couch.
I’m informed of how oblivious I am.
I crave violence in films; I’m a dedicated pacifist.

I’m from the boonies, but I love big cities.
I’m predictably spontaneous.
I’m Aurora and Maleficent.
I’m skeptical but I believe.

I’m the ocean and the beach — and the shells dotted along the shore.

http://athenamat.com/about-me/

Please Forgive Me by Bryan Adams….. Aku akhirnya melepaskan segala beban di hati….

Dalam seumur hidup yang dirasakan terlalu panjang ini, kita selalu ada suatu atau lebih dark secret di dalam diri yang menjadi sesuatu yg sangat menghantui, melukakan dan menghiris setiap inci jiwa yang masih berbaki. Sangat menakutkan. Kadang tak terluah… mungkin tak mungkin mampu untuk dipindah menjadi perkataan yang mampu difahami manusia sekeliling.

Mungkinkah sesiapapun akan mengerti, mengambil berat, bertanya kembali, meremehkan atau menghina. Paling teruk pun tak mengendahkan. Seringnya itulah yang lebih menjerut rasa membelit fikiran.

Tak pasti apakah aku sudah bersedia untuk mendedahkan rahsia luka itu yang realitinya bukan lagi rahsia. To face reality is heavier than just to say it out loud. Berkisah bererti menampar diri dengan kebenaran. Apakah aku sudah bersedia untuk let go? Atau hanya bounce back dengan kurnia Tuhan di dunia yang bersifat sementara segalanya? Ataukah aku berdendam pada sejarah yang tak pernah memberi peluang.

Aku tak mungkin menemui jawapan itu di mana-mana melainkan dalam diriku yang entahlah bila…dengan izin-Nya jua….Arggghhh! Sangat sukarnya semua ini, tapi aku tahu segalanya telah lama berlalu… lepaskanlah wahai sang hati yang menderita. Lepaskanlah segala duka diri. Bergembiralah dengan izin Yang Esa.

September 2006, aku genap 28tahun, suatu usia yang bukan muda lagi. 13tahun selepas segalanya….

As always, aku hang around with umi di lounge rumah. Kain baju yang baru diangkat terbiar tak berlipat. Just came back from a full day with my old buddies, Shah, Za, Lis & Dude. A real relief to again get to hang out with them and update stories here and there. We always make new discoveries on each reunion. Become even more obvious this recent years. Seksyen 7 Baru S.Alam, dari kedai mamak Al-Esfan ke restoran Thai, petang bawa ke malam. Though Ja was far at the north side of the country, it doesn’t stop us from sharing and caring.

The night seems still young but umi looked so sleepy but I don’t seem to care with whatever. I talked and talked and talked… almost bout everything.  These recent years our communication seems to improve to a certain satisfactory level which definitely left a real glow in my heart.

Then I started to massage her feet, from one to another. She looked tired and the clock was showing 12.30midnight. Not yet a sleeping time for me obviously, the owl is just awaken, what more for the ‘vampire’ in the house huhuhuh…

Then suddenly, after an hour of talking, don’t know from where or why I asked her: “Umi, did you really think I did all those bad things? “ Umi was stunned! “What bad things??” I just bow. Look to the other sides blankly in the light. Then I continued: “The things with me & Har in 1994, did you really think we were doing bad things?” Mataku mula bergenang entah kenapa. Itu kisah 13 tahun yang lalu, kenapa aku masih sebak, hatiku sempat bertanya.

Umi pulled a smile, sincerely I know, I started to sob more obvious than before. “You haven’t let those things go?” asked umi in a very low voice I can barely hear. I just nod my head once and it stayed there. My eyes was filled of tears. I couldn’t stop them. The tears fell down my chicks slowly.

One fine day in 1994 that I don’t even remember the date, but it was Friday I’m sure., around after school hrs, maybe around 2pm. I took the school bus from hostel to Shah Alam. I really wanted to meet Har. It seems so hard to meet him. My school is a religious school, with all girls required to wear a big cover as tudung labuh, we called it there, to cover our head. We are not allowed to show our arms though we were wearing baju kurung that covers everything already.

White tudung labuh, dark blue baju kurung with white polka dots. It seems so funny to remember my image back then. Not that I underlook it but it was not real and humiliating. Not to wear the baju kurung I mean but to portray the image that was not even my real self.

I lied to umi that I was going to Shah Alam Library when in fact I was going to the lake side at the back of the library which happened to be the National Mosque is behind it.  It was a partial lie actually. I did go to the library but I went to the lake side after that. And that was Allah’s way of teaching me a lesson not to ever lie to our parents.

I waited for so long as I can remember it. It felt so long maybe because I was hoping so much and look forward to the date. He never arrived. Around 2.30pm, I called him and he said that he hasn’t even come out from the house. I didn’t remember whether I scolded him or just a mere silence, but he showed up at around 5pm at the lake side. I was so happy, I didn’t even realize if that showed on my face.

He bought us 2 cans of carbonated drink, I’m not sure what. But I do remember he passed me a can of Pepsi while we were walking. We stopped at one of the big bush of trees that was planted surrounded by big rocks almost look like a wall. I leaned there and he was besides me. We were drinking. Just looking at each other. The weather was getting cloudier from hot. Nothing big. I don’t even remember what we talked about or if we even had any conversation during that few minutes.

And then it happened…. Just around 5 minutes later, we saw a motorcycle suddenly parked slowly just maybe 100 yards from where we seated. A nearly middle age man came along showing a formal identification from Jabatan Agama Islam Selangor (JAIS). He demanded to see our identifications.

The nightmare started. He demanded us to come along with him to the National Mosque. I was terrified. My heart beat so fast that I don’t think I can breathe through the hours. With no questions we followed his steps innocently. He even scolded when we walked side by side. I was requested to walk far besides Har.

I don’t remember Har’s reaction to this at that point of time. I know as much as I was, he was shocked by what happened. We were brought to a room where all other couples were just caught. The ladies who didn’t wear tudung were given telekung to cover their head. We were the youngest couple there. I was only 16 and Har was only 17. What did we do wrong??? Until today the question remain without an answer. Maybe a price for lying to umi….

Filling in forms, the scariest part was to write our parents contact numbers and our schools name. I even lied that I was from La’Salle, huh? What stupid idea I got there thinking that I can get away clean. That was a boy’s school forgot sake! A higher officer there was my father’s friend and my school’s board of director! What worse could it be! Not only one but 2!!

We were brought to a praying area where we each were separated to be counseled by one officer each. I told one of my father’s friends the real stories. They seem to believe but it was no way out anymore. I was supposed to be sent to correction program meant for problematic teenagers while I don’t remember what Har was supposed to serve.

Reaching sunset they have called umi & Har’s parents to tell what happened. My brother later told me that Umi passed out after the call. I cried in my heart so loud I don’t even know if I was in a deep dream or a hell. One of the officers then took me and Har to the library back where umi was supposed to pick me up. How did Har get home, I don’t know. We were even scolded because he thought we will be sitting together at the backside of the car while he was in front driving, ceh! I saw umi talked to Har but I was not able to even listen to the slightest voice of them. I just noticed one blank look from Har. I didn’t notice any sadness or uneasiness. It was the last time for that year that I ever get to look into his eyes that way and that had to be then, after the incident! Never better than anything else at that point of time

My feelings? I don’t even know if I did feel anything then. It was so hurting. My heart felt like being stabbed by a sharp knife that I can’t ever take it out forever. Har on one side, umi was on the other. Was this the beginning of an end?

Was it my luck or destiny, baba was not there, not in the picture. He was outstation somewhere. I don’t know what would happen if that was not the case. Would Har been hurt by him, or it can never challenge the hurt in our hearts more than anything else…. I never know the answer. Umi drove the car so fast we reached home within seconds I think. I was a looser for them…

Life was so difficult after that…. I was not able to go to school for 1 week. Luckily however we both were exempted from being sent to the special program. I fell ill badly. I cried too much that I couldn’t open my eyes completely. I don’t care of days and nights or whether I need to eat or not. None of my friends were told either by me or others about it.

Later I got to know that it was BADAR. I don’t remember the exact name or the full name of the small ad-hoc under JAIS that was formed to hunt down all couples who go to the lake side generally in Shah Alam. It was then deformed due to controversial issues, I would believe one of it is definitely our incident when we don’t do any MAKSIAT and the enforcer can just caught us and charges us with KHALWAT!!

Sometimes it did slip my mind that if I know this would happen I might as well do something ‘real’ (just joking….)

I never thought this could happen to me. This was the last think any teenager girl would want to happen in her life history. My class teacher came to my house. It seems not many know what happened. She said one thing that I could never forget the rest of my life. “It’s okay dear, you might be learning through the hard ways just to be up there” I stunned and just gave a short smile. I didn’t know if I even agreed with her. She was still one of the best teachers in my mind. Partly she was true… I think most people do too.

I was then arranged by my parents to move school so that I can less my pain and pressure to face people that I was so used to. I was so grateful to be honest but it was a very high price for me to pay for one incident. The cost of parting away from family, best friends, my room, the school…

I couldn’t let go everything that has happened here that it shows on the face. Though I didn’t tell anyone about it, my name seems to a favorite, I found my name was on laboratory desks. Some students from the guy’s school told that my name was in the guys’ washroom with whatever stupid notes come together. Came from Selangor was not a favorable thing I guess. I came out from suffer to a hell….. My study experience there was 70% awful with grades drop, was targeted one out of ten people that would get SAP as SPM result (which I did get Grade 2 however ;p), always in list for spot checks and always run out of class. But I managed…. Thanks to all my friends there…. Putri, Eyda, kakak2 senior… all the teachers. It was not the happiest but definitely one of the greatest moments of my life.

I never know exactly what happened at Har’s side. He never told me. I didn’t ask either I guess, ahh I can’t recall! He did tell me that he thought umi asked him and his mother to meet at the National mosque the next day after the incident, they waited but umi never turned up. I asked umi that Sep night, umi said she never thought he understood it that way, what she meant was that she might want to seat and talk to them but it was never a promise. I don’t know what was the truth. I know it hurt him so bad especially that year he has to seat for SPM.

I really didn’t know what to do… life just moved on…. I remember still in contact with him. But it was hurting day after day.  There was one time when I told him that I have fully used all my RM30 to call him, he said that I was just making up story and there was no proof to it. That killed everything I had left inside…. I felt so down, so hurt, so lost …..

I didn’t know what was going on with him back there. What might have happened, what he has to go through? I didn’t know his mother was seriously ill and that his smoking habit grew heavier every day.

And when I decided to break up with him before my SPM 1995, i didn’t know his mother was in the hospital sick badly and that he was all stressed up by everything, he smoked 2 boxes of Dunhill20s in a day! I didn’t know!!!

I wish I could turn back the time, please forgive me, Har, for everything that went wrong and repair everything that has wrongly happened, communicate and understand you better and just be like normal couples do. Give the support you need and be there for you.

But the reality is we were not meant for each other… and the truth is that it was none of our fault. Time can never turned back. History can’t be changed. God’s plan that some of them were fixed. Things happened.

1994…. hanya memulakan hidup selepas peperiksaan PMR. Kebanyakan detail memori luka sudah aku padamkan dari minda dan hati. Mungkin itu lebih mudah dari menghadapi segala yang melukakan. I didn’t even know that this was so hurting till I cried on umi’s lap that September night. It was indeed too hurting up to today….

I always wonder why I can’t let go of him and what has passed between us. He was never being there for me neither did me. We always had communication break down. He was always with his silence that suggested ego and I was always in no way to understand him or provide the support he needs, always repeat all the bad words, not consistent with my stands towards him. Always said things that hurt him and not consistent, so in my own world, never show intelligence, demanding and controlling. The love was shown in a so weird way that when I came to think again did I really love him and did he really love me back then? Most of the time there was only silence between us or confusion.

I can’t even remember a lot of our memories except this one, our dating in PKNS, the time when he laughed at me at Subang Parade because I wore track suit and full black shoes like as if I was going for a jog… that hurt my pride so deep that up to the last time I met him, I still think long whether my outfit is suitable for me to walk besides his side enough to get him not to laugh at me. It was hard….

But I still remember a lot of sweet things, may be just short memories here and there. One was when I met him the first time in the same library, when he was supposed to date my best friend. He was sitting in front of her but I know he was staring at me. I’m not much to look at but the feeling was so good at that time.

The other time was when Ji (best friend of Har’s pet sister) moved to my school and told me that he wrote his name & mine on his cartoon drawing in his school magazine. Whether that was true or not, she showed me the page, it doesn’t matter because it will still be one of the sweetest non-verbal memories with him.

After all these years, I still couldn’t let go of him… I don’t know if he has let everything go without regret or is he feeling the same way I do. But to me we never ended correctly that even after 13 years I still typed his name on Friendster, dialed his old hp no(s) with a hope to just hear his voice….

It was really not easy and to realize it at the age of 28…. Love? No, there is no more love between us or at least in my heart for him. It has stopped so many years ago before I gave my heart to someone new… 4 years anyway now. It was just a matter of letting go old regrets, sadness and hurt… It might be nothing to him I don’t know, but I was affected badly.  Even when he got married I still hope that I would hear from him and see him again… I got hat I wished for but with more hurt & frustration.

Now, I am letting him go from my regret… I definitely pray he will always be happy with his new family and wife. Happy means real happy. I know I will never and not meant to be the one for him but I’m sure I will remember him forever as long as I live in my own way. I know he is too.

First love… maybe this is what it means…. the sweet and the hurt… love and hate…. let time tell, like Mi always told me once. I broke his heart badly one of it strongly because of Har…. and I know I have to let it go someday….

I’m grateful though because few days after he flew off to overseas, we managed to share a lot of old stories though not all of them. The past is still our history, let it be just that and lets move on…..

I cried so bad that night, I hold and hugged umi so tight telling her that it was so hard for me to go through these all. Umi told me before we went to sleep, that she never blamed me for all that has happened. There was lessons and hikmah Allah has shown in His beautiful way. She told me, if that has not happened she might never realized that I need both of them more. I’m not the eldest child that can be super strong and can take just about anything and that can handle everything in the world.

I asked if she and Baba thought I was a failure to them… she smiled and say: “No dear, you were never before and never after. You always make us proud of what you managed to pull out of yourself and to stand today as whom you really are…..”

Thanks to Allah for those experience definitely has grown me in a lot of ways and matured me in such a long mysterious way. So much we regret or we tried our best in life, Allah always test us to see how strong, how redha and how believe we are in Him.

For what I am, I dedicate my gratefulness to Him, umi ba, Har, A-il and everyone who has touched my life in some way or another without whom I will not be here at where I stand now… on top of my dreams and life every day.

Thank you Allah for giving me all that You have given…though we always stumble at one time or another, He is always there to help us through light and dark, if we only let Him…. Har, you will never fade from my heart…. a fact I have to live with. San Fransisco Coffe House, Giant Shah Alam, Cyberzone, PKNS, Subang Parade, National library Shah Alam might be something you didn’t even recall, but I will treasure them all forever. Maafkan aku tanpa keizinan kau melepaskan rasaku di sini… Maafkan aku tak pernah mampu mengotakan cintaku seperti yang pernah kita impikan….

Terima kasih buat’mu’ kerana memberi segala pengertian yang aku perlukan, you have always been the greatest thing ever happen in my life….. If not because of you I might not let go… yet….

Aku dah x saba2 nak balik nih… mate dah berat… bulu mate asek gugur macam dah menyampah duduk kat mate aku gamaknyer… taik mate makin bertimbun kat tepi mate… sikit lagi buta aku kalo x cepat2 balik keje…

Aku temenung…. Dari tadi dah 2 kali si Ena announce “sape nak chipsmore, self-service!”… tu maknenye dah bape lama mase berlalu…. Nak bergayut tepon aku dah x lalu dr td x benti2 becakap ngan customer dah macam nak tercabut anak tekak aku.

Mengenang customer kelaka jugak… KPI require kitorang take calls at least 80 call per day to have a good appraisal & to ensure at least dah satu kaki masuk ke bonus confirmation… ces taik! dah kalo cust x call takkan nak g call diorg suroh jugak call aku

kan

!

kan

ke bengong namenye…. Abeh sebab diorg tanak call kite lak x dapat bonus… weh ini suda lebey!! Kang aku produce rancangan cam Mawi –Ina Live di Astro & RTM1! Tanak bagi bonus? Aku bakar gak bangunan buruk nih! Aku x kire aku nak gakkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

Isy, astaghfirullahalazim, nikan co yg bayar gaji aku tuk menampung hidup bayar utang & besenang lenang dan membantu org lain yg memerlukan…. Syukur Ya Allah Kau masih mengizinkan kudratku dikerah di tempat ini.

Pedihnyer mate nengok screen… aku pk kalu sume org macam aku memang kaya tokey cemin mate

kan

? Bayangkan sume org pakai spek or contact lens….. wah! Pehtu summer pakai all versions or all frames or all colours…. Ahaks aku leh bayangkan keburokkannye… anyway…. Aku xnah kekal pakai spek mate… asek ilang ntah ke maner… las2 tak pakai… tu buktinye aku ni nipu je rabun…. Tapi! tapi! tapi! Aku memang x bape nampak!

Mawi… hisy sonyum sendiri aku ngenangnye… ceh! Marah si dia aku, aku dok wat keje ni…. Ape best mawi tu sgt ntahle…. Bukannye sedap sgt sore dia… ensem, ramai lagi macho n ensem… (anyway aku memang anti mamat ensem nih – picky, cool2, menyeramkan, eary, x comfortable to be with, sll ade hidden agenda, ahax!) jgn marah mamat ensem sekelian, sape makan cili saje terasa pedasnyer… anyway, takkan dah prasan sendiri ensem kot!

Hmmmm Mawi…. Mawi… Mawi…. Mase tengah best nih best la, kalo jadik cam CT (nauzubillah)?…. Tingat sokmo aku ngan die…. Suke la! Bahagia kalo bayang wajah dia, marah pon jadi hepi… ngantuk jadi tejaga terus….wakakaka… reality… tapi tu la, aku x la plak rasa nak kawin ngan dia ke, tau la memang x layak, tapi memang tanak pon! Xleh xleh… melanggar prinsip idup mati…. Kalo nak nikah definitely si dia saje…. Sgt comfortable ngan dia…. Sgt best… sgt paham… sgt boleh difahami… marah pon x jadi marah lame…. Idup ni warna-warni je ngan dia…. X makan boleh tapi lepaih nengok muka dia kene la makan sket… xyah nak melawa2 ke nakover-gedik ke… nak dress up ke…. xpayah! Hidup sempoi bahagia….

Ya Allah jadikanlah dia jodohku & jodohku dunia akhirat…..

Ahad nih nak ade 2 presentation, habuk aku x ready! Assignment sampai 4 nak anta serentak… ape betul ke aku ni, isy… insyaaalah…. Siap la sampai masenye nanti… windu lak aku kat sahabat aku Aishah kat Indon, Aiza kat SS15 Subang Jaya & Haja kat Bukit Kayu Itam… Jauhnye kite dipisahkan dari jarak. Kalian tetap sahabat aku dunia akhirat. Semoga ape pun jua yg korang hadapi, bahagia atau duka, Allah membantu segala J

Yahoo!! 21mins to log out, byebye babeh J

Single, study, thinking of carear… then search for a boyfriend… then a soul mate to be married to… then planning to get babies… expanding assets (or shrinking it as a matter of fact ;p )…. family planning…. children growing up… prepare for their schools & college… worried bout their dating & love life, planning for their mariages… future… future… future…. the cycle repeat itself again and again

Responsibilities & desires always come together or either one will be missing in between… for a fact of life… worry is always there… sort of like a fix ink stain on a shirt stays a long time there… which definitely unavoidable… not washable…. most of the time matched with pain, laughter and deep cuts in the heart….

What a life without all that….

One of my bestfriend voiced up her concern on her family planning… not the way you might think… just on whether she’s ready to have a baby / child or not… i never thought there will be a time that this question will become so difficult to answer…. as i always thought, if you are ready, just jump into the bed together, pray to God, do the proper way & there you go, less than a year you’ll see a cute baby coming out of your belly by the will of God. Well, that is what i always thought… of course,  i’m not married yet huhuh…

She told us (3 of us) that yesterday her husband brought up the issue in a way saying that it is because of her bussiness with her carrear and all shows that it is as if she is the one not ready to make the big step. She was stunned by that statement as she was thinking the other way around… There it goes… a minor miscommunication lead to 2 married people stunned by their own facts of feelings & thoughts.

Then she thought back, it was true in a lot of ways that she was not showing that she is ready. Go to work early in the morning. Rarely cook lunch. Husband comes home earlier than she does. Night flew by marking student’s exam essays that shit all the ways. Weekends & semester break full of programs of handling students who’ll be going for national debate, interschool hockey tournament blablabla… what is left then?

i always notice a sour voice when we were talking. She sounds busy but not happy. And i mean that is what i feel all the time for the past 2 years she’s been transferred to the other state of her in-laws (we call it). Maybe i was the only one who thinks that way. She sounds old, dired up, etc… makes me wonder, is the cute girl who i’ve known for more than 25 years… the one who always jump happily, dancing & singing her favourite songs…. who like to brag & shit other people, but also brilliant in alot of things especially writings, arts, of course english.

A lot of sacrifice i saw she has done all these 8 years for herself, husband & family… and it is never enough… As a token of appreciation or showing understanding maybe, the husband softly put this major decision on her shoulder… again! Again? Look that way… maybe i misunderstood, sorry i wonder… is this the price of love… in a modern age… where people show love by freedom of choosing the job you like & work, decide on your own, choose your own friends, and at the end eat alone and sleep… alone…

i am being too negative i know…. being single, i have always been like that… erkkkhhh…. will i ever get married, huhuhu… insyaallah. Marriage is the greatest institute to build a future with love, passion & patience… from it great leaders & revolusioners are born… without which… people will be lost, no place or anybody to go back to, no reference, no trail, no history & life will just be unjustified in every single thing. i know i love my parents… i would want my children to love me too…. insyaallah…

Back to my bestfriend, i hope she will find the answer in herself… i know she needs… they both need a child by now…. a new objective & motivation for surviving…. a place where they can glorify their love & improve relationship. where they can share & prove their togetherness… besides just being a vocalist & a basist during jamming time late night on weekends….i think it’s high time already…

i’ve no comment or lecture for them however. i just pray that the best will come out for them. The faster insyaallah the better… Again children are rezeki from Allah. Fast or slow, few or a lot… the hikmah is only known by Him. I do know for a fact that they will definitely be stronger & happier with a new person in their life…The most important thing is to work on it, the result is a second thing… Perfect time is only excuses cause that is only known by him, daaaaa…..

Ya Allah, jadikanlah hati-hati yang bersatu itu iman mereka pada-Mu ditetapkan… cinta mereka dikukuhkan, diberi kekuatan, diberi hidayah & detik hati yang betul dalam membuat keputusan bersama… semoga apa jua yang mendatang menjadi kebaikan belaka, berhikmah & membawa kebahagiaan dunia & akhirat bagi mereka. Tabahkan mereka melalui kesukaran & kesedihan mahupun kelukaan. Satukanlah hati mereka dalam cinta-Mu walau apapun dugaan yang Kau berikan…. Semoga kebahagiaan mereka kekal dunia dan akhirat… amin…

Guys, i love you forever…. 

02/09/06 yg lepas, Ude merangkap mak sedare aku + bestpren aku akhirnye menapak to another step… maju selangkah… bertunang ngan Kerol… aku suker tunang dia tu… maksud aku aku suke personaliti dia, therefore aku bahagia dia akhirnya dapat bersama insan yang dicintainya… dapat maju ke depan… bukan mudah rupenye sume mende ni…

Since arwah Aki (arwah ayah Ude) kembali ke rahmatullah april tahun ni, inilah majlis pertunangan pertama dibuat kat kampung tu… rasenye canggung juge, pertama kurang seorg insan yg penting hadir, ramai jugak cousin2 yg x hadir… mostly bekeje shift… Syukor, Jal, Ummum, Pak Cu, nenek2 sedara seberang kampung pun sibuk dgn Forum Perdana yg tetibe mase nii lah jugak diorg nak pilih buat kat situ…

Majlis yg sederhana, alhamdulillah… simple & cute… cute sbb Ude ni x pandai mtk tolong org, sengih2 je macam sume ok… malu sgt nak susahkan org lain sket… agak kalo buleh tu nak buat sndr je pastu suroh org dtg makan je… hisy…

Aku atas permintaan Ude jd tukang amek gamba… ade 130 lebey gak la gamba aku amek… tapi aku x pueh ati sebab x secanggih mane… aku kene blaja lagi teknik lighting, focus, view, etc… gamba yg cantik boleh menghiburkan hati yg luka… gambar yg indah boleh mengindahkan kenangan yg waktu tu mungkin rase x berapa indah… gambar yg punya hati mampu mengukir senyum di bibir… insyaAllah one day aku akan mencapai gak impian aku… amin…

Malam sebelum majlis bertunang, kami yg muda2 nih (mude la dr yg lain2 tu kan huhuh…) sebok membuat hantaran… ade kain baju melayu purple color… coklatn cookies… buah… tuala… kuih bahulu…. bla-bla… so beberapa org yg x bape creative temasuk aku nih meng’kreatip’kan diri… konon bile dah siap tu rase cantik sangatla dah tu hahaha… perasan sungguh…. bed lining guna umi n ba punye sentimental lining mase diorg kawen dulu… wah sgt romantik skali…. teringat lah kesah dolu2 (macam la aku ader kat c2 dulu)…. theme color for that function was green + cream… hmmm… aku suker…. sangat comel + classic…

Fatin Nabila, 4tahun, demam malam tu… memang most of sedare-mare yg ade mlm tu sume x bape sihat… ujan pun kebelakangan nih memang pelek sket … Ude yg slm ni membela dia n Adam dgn Cu n Usu.

Tengahari esoknye sejam sebelum majlis, Fatin tiba2 mengamuk…. dari pagi memang dia dah merempan2, ingatkan just sebab demam… tiba2 mulut kecik tu keluar maki hamun marahkan Ude smabil menangis…. " ude x boleh make-up", "ude x boleh keluar bilik", "ude b**i, **tan…." diulang2 sampai semua kat ctu jadi stress! Ude macam bese cuba pujuk, tapi x berkesan… Alang peluk Fatin angkat dia keluar dari bilik… sayup dgr suara comel yg kesedihan… aku termenung kejap pk ape sebenanye jadi… kenape anak sedara kesayangan Ude jadi macam tu…

then aku learn….

hubungan yg sgt rapat, terjadi perubahan, tanpa bahasa menyatakan apa…. walaupn sekecil Fatin, hanya anak saudara dan mak saudara… tapi dia memahami… dia dah pandai mentafsir sendiri…. dia terasa haknya dirampas…. seolah Ude akan pergi jauh meninggalkan dia….

aku tanyakan pada ude macam mana nanti bile hari nikah n bila ude perlu pindah dan betul2 meninggalkan dia dan Adam? Ude senyap lama… mudah2an masa tu akan lebih baik, Fatin dah makin besar, kate Ude….

fikir aku, betul ke itu yg akan terjadi….

Moral: hargailah insan2 yg menyayangi kiter kerana kita xkan tahu selama mana kita akan dapat bersama mereka….